Parents of siblings know that quarelling comes with the territory. ‘She grabbed my piece of cake.’ ‘He started it.’ ‘No I didn’t.’ ‘Yes you did.’ Fighting. Bickering. Blaming. It almost doesn’t matter what they’re squabbling about, in many ways this is simply part of their development as human beings, coming to terms with important life concepts like negotiating, compromising, resolving conflicts and even establishing themselves as separate people with distinct likes and dislikes.

For parents, it’s stressful and exhausting when their kids fight. Not only are they sad and frustrated to see them not get along with one another, but often they might have deep-seated fears that their offspring won’t find a way through and have a close, loving relationship with one another.

These fears are only exacerbated as your children mature and the piece of cake they’re squabbling over isn’t a sticky sponge layered with jam and buttercream icing but the estate you’ve spent a lifetime acquiring. Like most parents, you hope your legacy will provide security and joy to your loved ones. However, the painful truth is that, without careful planning, passing your wealth and possessions down smoothly to your kids risks embroiling the family in discord long after you’ve departed the scene.

Don’t leave your beneficiaries in the dark

The sensitivities of talking about what happens to your estate after you’ve gone often present emotional hurdles to putting a plan in place. In fact, our Wealth Planning experts say that waiting too long before involving the next generation is one of the five common mistakes families make when educating their heirs, explored further below.

Death can be hard to talk about but you can’t just spring the plan on your loved ones at the funeral. It’s helpful to regard it as a long-term project within the time you have together so that you don’t make ill-informed decisions when an emergency arises. What’s more, communicating your wishes early can give you the chance to see the pleasure the sharing of your wealth can bring to its new owners.

Anticipate what disagreements might come to the surface after you’re gone, set out your own wishes clearly and unambiguously, and make sure this is reflected in the estate documents. The less scope there is for misinterpretation, the less likely conflict will arise.

Also explain the reasoning behind your decisions. If you’ve decided to make a mark on the world through philanthropy, for example, by leaving a large sum to charity, your heirs might feel resentful or confused if the first they hear of it is if after your death. However, if you explain in advance that this philanthropic effort is something you’re passionate about, they’re more likely to be on board with your decision.

Importantly, the discussions around your estate planning should be a two-way process. It doesn’t matter what your plan is if you don’t have the buy-in of those involved. So invite your children into the conversation, and explain your motives so that they have time to air their thoughts and feelings.

Consider the sentimental value of your possessions

One of the biggest mistakes people make when planning their estate is to think it’s all about the money. And yet the choices you make around who receives what go far beyond the numbers and legal documents. Heirs quarrel over old books, paintings and trinkets – items that may not hold a lot of monetary value. Just as young children often clash because they’re competing for your love, attention and approval, offspring of a more advanced age may argue over such heirlooms because they represent a connection to you and the perception you hold of them. A wristwatch may be worth more money than a cooking bowl, for example, but the fact that you made biscuits with your child in that bowl could make it more valuable to them.

While you can divide your financial wealth into equal parts, it’s not practical to split a painting in half or have a timeshare arrangement for a wristwatch. One approach is to send out a statement to your heirs telling them that you want to know which of your posessions have particular meaning to them. Don’t make any guarantees, but inform them that you’re planning your estate and you’d like to know. Review the wishlists together and, if two siblings want the same item, let them negotiate.

Many families find it helpful to appoint a professional facilitator such as a financial advisor, lawyer or trustee. Having no legal or family interest, this facilitator can bring clarity and cool down temperatures in the room. And it’s then their responsibility to act as a final arbiter if your heirs are unable to reach an agreement within a specified time limit and ensure the various parts of your estate end up with whom they’re supposed to.

Deciding who takes over the business

How do you choose which of your heirs should inherit which roles in the business without causing uproar? The days of passing the business down to the oldest child are consigned to history – just because a child is more senior in years does not mean he or she is the most qualified to run the business. A more equitable and meritocratic approach is called for to preserve the well-being both of the company and interfamily dynamics.

Planning the handover should start many years before the need for a successor arises. Enable each child to gain experience in the various areas of operation, determine their interest in working for the company, and assess their skill set. Compelling children to work for your company when they have little interest in doing so or it’s not a good fit for them is likely to be detrimental both to them and the company. However, even if they have no interest in the company, it represents something of personal value to you, meaning it carries emotional significance for them, too.

If more than one child, for example, is interested and has the skills required to be a viable successor, give them each the opportunity to apply. In these circumstances, however, it’s advisable once again to hand over the final decision to a third party or external decision team. Your job as parent is to give them all a fair chance but pitting them against each other in a race for your approval could lead to you handing down a legacy of family strife.

Ensuring future generations are financially and relationally well-off

Whatever your position in the company has been in the preceding years, your role as head of the family is now chiefly that of CEO: Chief Emotional Officer. By laying the groundwork early and discussing your plans in a clear and reasoned manner, you can go a long way to ensuring that your family sticks together – and not just because your sibling heirs have got too much cake on their fingers!